Okay, I've been reading Twilight. Today, I gave up in disgust. I just couldn't take it anymore. So, instead of a review, and to maintain my quota, I give you the point-scoring I did to make sure I remained passably objective after hearing a zillion and four bad reviews of it. It didn't work, but I tried.
The rules were: Meyer started with 100 points, and I knocked them off when she did it wrong, and added them on when she did it right.
Chapter by chapter breakdown of points:
TWILIGHT CHAPTER ONE: 100 POINTS
Family dynamics: bemusing. Maturity of main character: greater than that of mother. Sense that this is a seventeen year old girl as opposed to a middle-aged housewife: non-existant. [-1]
Inexplicable sadness! Stating that she just "doesn't fit in" - even though EVERYONE unconditionally appears to love her, despite her continual contempt of the people helping her. Her appearance sounds pretty standard to me, but is described as "unusual" and a barrier between her and other people. And everyone knows who she is. I realise this is justified as "It's a small town so everyone knows everyone," but you'd think there'd be more of a "Have I seen you around?" reaction. [-1]
I swear to god, the book has suddenly become as dull as the lessons. =_= [-1]
Bella really sounds like a stereotypical emo. "I will hate it so I won't even tryyyyyyyy!" And yet everyone ignores this and is nice to her. [-1]
The Mysterious Boys and Girls are described exactly as I'd describe original characters - brief suggestion of build, hair and eye colour. FUCK I knew I wasn't as good at this stuff as I thought. [-10]
HM. COINCIDENTAL NOTICING OF MYSTERIOUS AND UNUSUAL PEOPLE. [-1]
Oh god, backstory dump. [-10]
Extreme antisocialism! Edward acting like he hates her AND she smells! Guys, even if I hadn't had these books spoiled to buggery for me, I'd be able to tell they were getting together by the end.
So she only likes the CUTE boys. And she's pretty mean about them even then. God, kill me now. [-1]
OUCH. He'd rather switch all his classes around than sit next to her. I - I actually feel sorry for Bella! [+10]
Something about this BOTHERS me. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the general sense of inexplicable woe, or the clinical way Bella appears to view the world. Maybe it's just that I have no idea who the character is. It's in first person POV, but there's - no sense of who she is, nothing I can identify with. When it's in first person and it's like that, I get really uneasy. It's not a concrete feeling, so I can't score it, but. It's there.
TWILIGHT CHAPTER TWO: 84 POINTS.
Oh, so she DOESN'T like the cute guys and is flattered by strife when she's the cause. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. [-1]
Well, at least this school day is less dull than the last one. :\ [+1/2]
Why in god's name did she whine about WOE UNPOPULARITY when EVERYONE HERE unconditionally loves her, regardless of how she treats them. Inconsistant tell-not-showing. =_= [-10]
I'm trying to work out if braining someone with a volleyball is clumsiness or just a normal symptom of being a human being. I suppose, if I'm being fair, I have to give her a point for not being OMG AMAZING at everything... >_> [+1]
Oh Bella, what a housewife you'll make. Or you are. And GOD you sound like someone's MUM, I swear to god. I know, I know, not everyone likes snow, but god. KILLJOY.
... Hot guy talking to her for no reason. The hell.
Stalker!Bella reappears, although YAY for the Cullens being more than waxworks.
So he is amazingly polite, she is no good at this working-in-pairs business, he has electric fingers (Meyer, why don't you just come out and SAY you're going to be pairing these too up and save me having to read this crap?), gold eyes that change colour (...), and is apparantly as bad at the working in pairs thing as she is. They're just MADE for each other aren't they? And I wish I could say that and NOT BE 100% SERIOUS. [-1]
So she explains her past and motivations to just ANYONE? And someone she thought didn't like her? And she sacrificed her home for her mum's happiness? [-10 for being a fooking MARY SUE and backstory dump]
"You put on a good show (...) but I'd be willing to bet you're suffering more than you let anyone else see." [-10 FOR BAD FANFIC DIALOGUE!]
(After this, the story doesn't get better: I just lose interest and stop scoring it properly.)
TWILIGHT CHAPTER THREE: 53.5 POINTS
"I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry." Really? I never noticed! And basically, this is the chapter where I have to take off eleven points for inconsistency and show-don't tell characterisation. [-11]
The car thing's been done, but hey, at least it's effective. [+10]
Again, the scene at the hospital bothers me but I can't think why. Dammit.
Is that an actual depiction of clumsiness on Bella's part I see? My god, I think I shall faint! [+1]
TWILIGHT CHAPTER FOUR: 53.5 (.........................)
Dreaming about future boyfriend in mysterious place. "....................." says I. [-10]
The first step is to admit you have a problem! Bella admits her stalking is OTT. [+1]
Edward's eyes are changing colour. Do I mark down for this? ... YES DAMMIT. I'M FEELING VINDICTIVE. [-1]
For those who don't know: I'm studying Psychology at A-level. Currently, we're studying mental illnesses. I look at Bella's conclusion ("He wished he hadn't pulled me from the path of Tyler's van - there was no other conclusion I could come to."), and all I can say is "WAY TO GIVE YOUR CHARACTER SYMPTOMS OF A MENTAL ILLNESS (I forget the exact terms but disasterism and extreme views - everything is perfect or it's a disaster, as well as irrational thinking and conclusions; ALL THIS STUFF IS GROUNDS FOR SOMEONE TO GET THERAPY) AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGE IT, MEYER." [-10]
Eyes changing colour, Bella dreaming about him, more stalking - FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS IS PUBLISHED BADFIC. [-1]
I have to say I'm GLAD she mentions her irrational ideas to Edward. Then he KNOWS she's crazy and can't think straight.
WHY IN GOD'S NAME DOES EVERYONE WANT TO GO TO THE SPRING DANCE WITH HER? [-10 FOR PISSING ME OFF WITH HOW MUCH EVERYONE WANTS HER.]
Edward's characterisation. FIRST he'd rather switch classes than sit with her, THEN he's offering her a ride to Seattle. WHAT THE HELL, MEYER. [-10]
TWILIGHT CHAPTER FIVE: 12.5
I repeat my complaint about Edward's characterisation, but don't knock off anymore points.
Bella is DENSE. If he's telling her he's ignoring her for her own safety, wouldn't she think "dangerous?"
Okay, so how does he know that they're doing blood samples?
Heroine of a vampire book who faints at the sight of blood! Well, that's novel. [+1]
FOR GOD'S SAKE. EDWARD START MAKING SENSE. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DRIVING HER HOME AND THEN SENDING HIS SISTER TO MAGIC BELLA'S CAR HOME SOUNDLESSLY DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT'S A RUSTBUCKET. [-10 out of SHEER SPITE.]
More Bella being middle-aged and talking about her past too much. [-1]
See, he avoids her at first, and then FLIRTS with her. What the HELL. Teasing I approve of, because DAMMIT she needs it, but sdkglhsdkhgdf. MAKE SOME SENSE MAN. [-1]
TWILIGHT CHAPTER SIX: 1.5
FINALLY, someone who doesn't worship the ground Bella walks on. Even if she's portrayed as a bitch, I appreciate the effort. [+1]
UGH, manipulating Jacob. For god's sake. [-10]
... This is the chapter that really just DISGUSTED THE HELL out of me. Bella is a BITCH. A manipulative bitch and I am really sick of her. I managed to get a bit of the way through Chapter Seven, but I'm just bored of what the story's about, and I can't stand Bella. I tried, I did my best, but I can't read any further. I'll go crazy.TOTAL SCORE: -7.5
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